i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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