Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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