I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
