now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
