I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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