note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Randomize
