Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
