And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
