i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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