Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
