I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
