Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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