im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
