Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
