I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
