Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Randomize
