I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
