My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
