mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
