____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
