just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
