I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
