Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
