There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
