I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He better not be in your backpack
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
