my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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