On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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