the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
