She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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