Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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