Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
