I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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