if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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