I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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