She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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