you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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