No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
