yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize
