I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
