Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
