There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I didn't notice because vodka
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Someone stole a lamp last night.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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