Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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