Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You made out with two different species that night
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
