His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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