Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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