smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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