Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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