i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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