is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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