So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
