I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
